


It's not all roses

by Lila_Anne



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, F/M, Good Morgana (Merlin), Gwen Knows About Merlin's Magic (Merlin), Merlin & Morgana Friendship (Merlin), Morgana Knows about Merlin's Magic (Merlin), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Redeemed Morgana (Merlin), Self-Harm, Sex, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:54:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29495388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lila_Anne/pseuds/Lila_Anne
Summary: Takes place when Morgana lives in her hovel all alone but with the occasional company of someone else and Aithusa. Arthur and Merlin are searching everywhere for her but when they find her, what will they do? Will they forgive her or kill her for what she’s done to them? Morgause is alive and well but Uther is dead.
Relationships: Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Morgana (Merlin)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	1. Author’s Note

This is going to be a completely different story than the ones I’ve done before. This story will mainly focus on Morgana and all of her traumas she’s experienced through the years but with a twist. Her experience and thoughts will be from my life and my experience but will also tie into her life. I have depression and anxiety and this is my way of coping so if you have any mental disorders I suggest you skip this story because there will be a lot of triggers and I do not want anyone feeling worse than they already do. Again this is how I cope with my depression especially when it hits the hardest. **Her traumas will include Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, and suicide attempt(s). Types of Self-harm that will be mentioned: cutting, burning, deliberately starving herself (anorexia nervosa), and alcohol misuse (Alcoholism).** I will be putting warnings at the top with the trigger warnings as well (ex: TW: ANXIETY) and will do the same if there are any smut scenes or fluff scenes.

 **PLEASE CALL THESE NUMBERS AND GET HELP IF THIS IS YOU!**  
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish.  
800-273-8255

https://www.crisistextline.org/topics/self-harm/#what-is-self-harm-1


	2. Camelot

It’s been a year and Morgana still has not shown herself. The knights and patrol were out every day and every night looking for the powerful and older Pendragon, but with no luck. Finally, Arthur put it to rest, his sister was gone and did not want to be found. Hell, she had not even tried to injure or kill the patrol, that was a damn near blessing. Eventually, everyone had moved on with their lives and turned their attention to the new news, Arthur’s wedding to Gwen, and Merlin was running everything for everyone and doing 10x more than normal (he’d wished Morgana had killed him when she kidnapped him earlier that year).

Gwen’s maid was running around after her and trying to do everything she was asked but could not keep her mind focused as she had other things on her mind, Morgana being the main one. The maid was a spy for Morgana and would only meet once a month of any new news which was a coincidence because their meeting was tonight and she’d be pleased with the news of the wedding, or would she? The maid was pulled out of her thoughts when she ran into Gwen who had stopped walking and talking as soon as she realized she was not getting a response from the maid.  
“Sefa? Are you okay?” Gwen asked when she saw Sefa return to the real world.  
Sefa blushed and just said “I’m fine my lady. I’m sorry but what were you asking me to fetch for you?”  
Gwen held back her laugh and just said “I need you to go into Morgana’s chambers and fetch me something for my ‘something borrowed’ and if Arthur asks, you did not enter Morgana’s chambers” 

Arthur made it very clear that under no circumstances was anyone to enter and tamper with his sister’s things unless she permitted them to. It's always been like that since she was a little girl. But now that she was gone, he had still respected her boundaries even if she had tried to kill him before. He would go into her room every once in a while to just look and see if anything was misplaced or taken but as soon as he knew nothing was out of the ordinary he would walk out and just sit on the floor and stare at her door while holding back tears. He missed her. He missed her raven hair and her laugh that would just light up the room no matter what was going on. He missed her scent she had always worn. Roses. Oh, how she loved her damn roses. Every trip they took together, the only way to keep her from doing something stupid was to find her damn roses and just leave her be. 

“Arthur?” Merlin asked when he had finally found his master.  
“What is it, Merlin? Can’t you see I’m busy?”  
“Well excuse me, sir, I didn't mean to interrupt your grieving for a not-so-dead woman who has tried to kill you multiple times.” Merlin responded with a hint of anger in his tone but then quickly added an “I’m sorry” so he would not get more than his already long list of chores.  
“You are right Merlin, I should not be crying over Morgana but I am so move on with why you are here or leave me be.”  
“The patrol might have found a sighting of her sire. I’m going BY MYSELF and I will talk to her and get her back, you have my word.”  
“No Merlin, don’t. I don’t want to see her or hear her voice anymore. I just want her locked in the cells. And you are most definitely not going by yourself I am going to come as well.”

Merlin tried to protest but figured there would be no use. He had a plan and Arthur now endangered his plan. Gaius had told Merlin what his thoughts were as to how Morgana had done a complete 360 of her personality and mindset. “She has no free will, Merlin. I think Morgause traumatized her to the point of no return. Her body is nothing but an empty vessel, filled by Morgause's will.”

With that in mind and knowing Arthur would do whatever it took to go with Merlin to arrest his sister, Merlin asked a very weird question,” Gaius, I need some of Morgana’s sleeping drafts. One for Arthur and others for her. She probably has not slept well in a while if what you say is true. Gaius, I still love her and I want to help her.” Gaius, without saying anything, went over to his special cabinet and got the box labeled “Lady Morgana” and handed the box (full of about 9 or 10 potions) to Merlin. “Please do not do anything stupid Melin. I do not want to see you dead because of her.” 

Gaius patted Merlin on the back and gave him a backpack that he’d already packed as if knowing Merlin was doing this alone, but then surprised Merlin with another smaller bag. It was some of her things: her hairbrush, her favorite dress, shoes to match the dress, and her favorite scent. Merlin smiled when he said “You even remembered her damn roses” and laughed while he slipped out into the night without looking back.


	3. Morgana’s hovel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Trigger warning: Self-harm, PTSD) Long chapter sorry

At first, Merlin had trouble finding her hovel again, but he had figured it out eventually. He tied his horse next to hers. How he missed seeing the white horseback in Camelot. He reached up and started loving on the horse he had not seen for two years. Sure he had seen it here and there when Morgana would plot to kill Arthur and kill him but he was never close enough to touch either. All of a sudden he heard a door slam and a faint cry and scream. He knew it was Morgana waking from a nightmare. He slowly made his way to her and got her attention when he accidentally stepped on a branch and snapped it in half. Blue eyes met dark emerald ones and she stood very quickly as if to defend herself. Merlin put his hands in the air as a peace sign as he was not there to do her harm. “What the hell are you doing here? Where’s Arthur or the knights or patrol?” Merlin heard her say in between sobs. “It is only me Morgana and I brought you a peace offering and I want to talk. Can we go inside? It’s freezing out here.” Morgana thought about his question and why he was alone. Maybe he will join me? Why is he here? Why does he want to talk? Talk about what? Morgana was pulled from her thoughts as she felt his arms around her waist and she fainted. 

Merlin held Morgana as he knew she’d been overfilled with the seer's power and she was dreaming. He held her limp body to him as he used his other free hand to open her door and throw the two bags and box inside the threshold then went to pick her up and lay her down on the makeshift bed of hers. He shut the door and started a fire and made food, making sure not to use his magic in case she woke up as she still had no idea he was Emrys or that he had magic. As he was finishing his bowl of soup he heard what sounded like whimpers and her saying no over and over again. He got up and got into the bed with her and cuddled her until she abruptly woke up and noticed he was cuddling with her. She calmed herself and let her weight fall back against him and embraced the loving man next to her. She had not felt like this since she was a little girl. The last time she had been cuddled was with Gwen after Morgana had a nightmare and started a fire in her room.

All of a sudden she felt him move her hair from her neck and start to get up. She was upset that he was getting up but decided it was for the better that they weren’t found like that or else Arthur would be livid (like she cared anyway for that matter). She had always loved Merlin but kept it “as friends” for Merlin’s safety, but deep down she knew she wanted to be with him and she knew he knew and felt the same as well. The quiet was bothering her so she decided to ask first.

“Why are you here?”  
“Arthur has been looking for you for almost a year and a half now. We finally caught you, obviously, and he wants to arrest you with treason. But he does not want to kill you.”  
“What’s in the box and bag then?”  
“The box has your sleeping drafts, in case you need them although there aren’t much left. I can bring you more if you’d like though. The bag has your hairbrush, shoes, and your favorite dress. And -”  
“Why would I need the dress? I’m obviously not wanted back in Camelot! Why are you being so nice” Morgana cut Merlin off and grabbed the bag and something small and red fell out. “Roses? Did you remember my favorite flower and scent? After all these years alone I figured I’d never had this again.”  
“Well your birthday is this week sometime and I wanted to do something special for you. I know we kept things a secret between us for fear that Uther would kill me, but I can’t deny my love for you anymore. I love you Morgana and I would never want to hurt you or see any harm come to you!”  
“Yeah? You say that and yet you poisoned me and let Morgause take me! Hell, you didn’t even come looking for me especially when I needed you the most!” Morgana was crying but full of anger and willed herself to stop crying, but couldn’t.   
“You honestly believe we didn’t come looking for you? Morgana, I had not slept for MONTHS while you were with Morgause. I didn’t want to poison you, but I had to stop Morgause from killing Arthur and Uther, not that his death would have been bad for the kingdom. I am so sorry for what happened to you. I know you are going to have some consequences from it and I know right now your mind is not your own, it still belongs to Morgause. I have a way to bring you back to your right mindset and I know you will not fight me on this, so can you please put the dress on? I wanna see if you still like it.”  
“Okay, but first I need to wash, can you fill the tub, please? And make it hot.”  
“But of course my lady.”

As Merlin went to get the water, Morgana was pacing back and forth. What if he sees the scars on my body? What will he do? How is he going to convince Arthur to let me come back? Finally, Merlin came back in and Morgana went into the other room to bathe. She got in but the water was not hot enough, so she used magic and made it boil. But she didn’t feel how hot it was as she was used to making the water hotter and hotter as time went on. She did however feel how the boiling water felt on her cuts. They were burning but she didn’t do anything, just sat there in her thoughts: I wonder what Merlin means by bringing me back to my mind wasn’t mine it was Morgause’s? What mindset was mine? Where’s Aithusa? But then all of a sudden her thoughts became darker. I should just go to Camelot and jail, I deserve it. No one would miss me if I killed myself. I need to cut again or I should just end it. Eventually, Morgana lost her fight and grabbed her dagger Arthur had given her for her birthday when she was still loved by Camelot. 

She started to drag it across her wrists and thighs, but then his hands grabbed hers before she could go deeper.   
“What the hell Morgana? What are you doing?” Merlin was yelling at her and grabbed a towel and started to get her out of her bath, but as soon as his hand reached into the water to pick her up bridal style he was burned and dropped her back into the water. “Why is the water boiling Morgana? Can you not feel it? Are you that numb to everything?”  
“I don’t feel anything Merlin, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, I -”  
“Hey, it’s okay. We’re going to get through this, I promise. I will always be there for you. You can trust me.” Merlin made sure to get the dagger out from her tight grip and decided to help her wash since she obviously didn’t start. He grabbed her shampoo and started washing her hair and while that sit started washing her body and cuts. “Morgana, why didn’t you just use magic to heal these? I know there’s a spell for it so why didn’t you do it?” She thought about how to answer that while he washed her hair and body. She remained silent. “Morgana?” She heard his voice but remained silent. “Morgana please let me in.”

“Fine, I didn’t heal them because I knew I was going to continue to do it. I needed to feel something so I started cutting, okay? Merlin, I feel nothing anymore. Not after what she did to me. You realize, Uther made me watch all the executions of my people. He knew I had magic and forced me to watch as he killed my kind one by one. You don’t know how or what I feel so stop pretending to care for me. I wish I could feel how hot that water was. At first, I couldn’t bear it but after a while, I got used to it I guess. I also just forgot about the cuts, I just let them scab over. Aithusa kinda helped I guess, she breathed on me and healed some of the deeper ones that were more life-threatening. I told her no but she didn’t.”  
“She didn’t listen to you because I told her not to. I knew something was wrong when she came to me out of nowhere. She told me what you did, I just figured you’d heal them yourself. I guess I was wrong. Morgana, you have to promise me NOW that you will no longer harm yourself.”  
“But what if -”  
“No Morgana. No. You are to get dressed now and hand over all your blades or any other sharp objects you have.”

Merlin helped her up and got her dressed in the dress Gaius had packed, but Merlin knew she could not be alone anymore. “I’m going to stay the night and leave early in the morning. I will come back for you though, I promise.” Morgana smiled but continued to do as she was told - collecting all her daggers she’d own and other sharp objects. She never questioned what Merlin had told her about Aithusa. Until suddenly he said something, “So you're not going to question me about what I said about Aithusa? That’s new and unlike you, but I’m going to tell you anyway. 

You need to sit down.” Again, the high priestess did as she was told and sat down, and in front of her was the pile of blades, daggers, and any other sharp object she could do without for the time being. “Go on.” she slowly said. “My name is Merlin, but there is more that you need to know. I have magic and I only use it to protect Arthur and Camelot for the hope of Albion. Yes, I helped protect it from you but I do want you with me for the rise of Albion. We can be happy together. My name is also Emrys.” He had added that part slowly to let it all sink in. Her expression turned from sad to anger. “Leave now. I do not want you here!” Merlin, stunned by what she had said, decided it was best, so he did what she had requested but not before grabbing the pile of sharp objects. “I will come back.” is all Morgana heard before he slammed her door.


	4. Merlin talks to Arthur

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (another long story TW: suicide attempt)

“Where the hell have you been and why was I not with you?” Arthur asked impatiently towards Merlin. Arthur was sitting at the table and made Merlin sit beside him. Before answering, Gwen knocked quietly as if not to disturb a sleeping king, but was grateful when she saw he was awake. “Arthur, what’s going on? Why does Merlin look upset?” Merlin spoke first “Gwen, sit.” She did as she was told but was confused along with Arthur. “I snuck out last night after I gave Arthur one of Morgana’s sleeping drafts. I know you told me you wanted to go with me to see her, but I couldn’t let her think we were ganging up on her. I told her what was to happen if she were to be caught by you or the patrol. She understands and promised to not leave her hovel for the time being. Arthur, she has gone through some fucking bullshit because of Morgause. Gaius thinks Morgana’s mindset still belongs to Morgause. He believes she has been brainwashed.” Merlin stopped talking to let the younger Pendragon and his soon-to-be wife respond.   
“So what exactly went down with Morgana? Why are you so persistent?” Arthur finally asked after he had calmed down for what was being told to him. Gwen eventually asked “When are you to see her again? I would like to come.”

“Arthur, I’m sorry I betrayed you. I only thought of Morgana when I did it. You know our history and I wanted to protect her. Yes, I know that it is stupid to say that after all, she has done but if Gaius is right, she has no right to be charged with treason. As for you Gwen, I am leaving again tonight and I guess you can come. Arthur, she needs to come home. She can not be left alone where she is, she is a danger to herself and if you even still care for her, you’ll let me bring her home without judgment or anything.”

“Merlin, I can’t do that after what she’s done. Who says she isn’t lying and manipulating you? Yes, I know your history with my sister and I know that my saying this will make you mad, but no matter what, nothing can happen between you two. If you bring her here, I will charge her with treason.”  
“Even if I can bring her back from Morgause’s hold? And why can nothing happen? You and Gwen happened, no offense Gwen.”  
“None taken Merlin, I agree. Why can’t they try to be together? We managed to Arthur.”  
After a long and exhausting argument, Arthur finally gave in to the demands from his servant and fiancé. Merlin and Gwen would go and bring Morgana back. 

“To free Morgana’s spirit, I have to travel to the Cauldron of Arianrhod and use its power to summon The Triple Goddess herself. The waters of the Cauldron hold the Goddess' powers and only their touch could heal her, but Morgana must enter willingly; if she were tricked, forced, or beguiled, she would fall into the abyss and be lost forever. Gwen can come along with us if she’d like as she is the closest to Morgana out of all of us.” Merlin could tell that by saying this, Arthur believed him more and more to what had happened all those years Morgana was left with Morgause. He started to accept his defeat and acknowledged that this was the best course of action for Morgana’s well-being. “Okay. I will let you attempt to bring Morgana back, but if this proves wrong, she will be brought straight back here and thrown in the cell. Are we understood?”  
“Yes My Lord, thank you.” was all Merlin could come up with as he and Gwen left to pack a bag and one for Morgana.  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Later in Morgana’s Chambers: (TW: suicide attempt)

“Gwen, I have to tell you something about Morgana and myself. I -”  
“Merlin, I know you have magic. I’m not blind and I will not tell Arthur until you are ready. Let’s just get our girl back, huh? I really miss my best friend.”  
“Gwen, she’s done something bad, we need to leave NOW!” Before Merlin left for good last night, he had enchanted Morgana. He could feel her pain and anything dangerous she was doing. He knew deep down she had lied to him and kept her favorite dagger, the one Arthur had given her for her birthday when Uther was still alive. As they were rushing to get their horses ready and packed all their things, Gwen suddenly asked, “ What do you mean she’s done something bad?”

“No time Gwen, we need to go now before it’s too late. I need to get to her and heal her.” As they were charging to Morgana, Merlin made sure to call Aithusa as well in case he wasn’t strong enough himself for what she had done. They finally reach her hovel, Merlin didn’t wait for Gwen. He burst through the door and ran to her. She was lying on the floor with blood seeping through her blue dress, her favorite dress. She was losing a lot of blood from where she had tried to kill herself. Gwen, looking around for something she could use to tie around Morgana’s waist, came running when she saw Morgana’s old dress. They ripped the dress into strips and tied them as tightly as they could around Morgana. “Merlin, don’t. I do not want to live in this mind anymore. Let me go. Please, just hold me as you did before.” Merlin, obviously not listening to Morgana, whispered a spell to render her unconscious and then another spell to relieve the pain she was feeling. Within a few minutes of the second spell, Aithusa came bursting in and made her way to her caretaker’s lifeless body. Aithusa breathed on her like she did before and healed her. 

Gwen was shocked and confused at the dragon and how Merlin knew her and could control her. She slowly put pieces together - he was the last dragon lord. Although grateful for Aithusa’s power, Gwen was frightened of the creature. “You do not need to be afraid of her, Gwen. She healed Morgana, look.” Merlin slowly undid the makeshift tourniquet around Morgana’s waist. The blood was gone and looked like she did nothing. “Now, since she is still knocked out, let’s get her up and make our way to the Cauldron of Arianrhod. It is a 3-day ride and she will wake here soon. Do you want her with you or with me?” Gwen wanted to say with her on her horse, but later decided she still did not trust her fully so she replied with “Merlin, she’ll ride with you and I'll take the supplies.” 

As they packed the horses, Morgana was lying on her bed and started to whimper, Melin knew she was having a nightmare. He went over to her and said another spell to stop her from whimpering and later saw a smile on her face. He gave her his fondest memories of her when she was back in Camelot, he could tell she loved it. “Okay Merlin, I’m ready” Merlin gently picked Morgana up and placed her on his horse as they made their way to the Cauldron and talked about how they were going to get their Morgana back from under Morgause’s spell as she was still alive.


	5. Author’s Note

I'm sorry I haven't added anything in a while. I am super busy between working 2 jobs and dealing with my depression. I appreciate the kudos and comments I am getting, that really makes my day without it have even started. I am planning on doing updates on Tuesdays, as that is my only day off but will also try to do 2 chapters every update until I feel like this story needs to end. If you have any ideas for the story PLEASE let me know I plan on having more than 10 chapters but we'll see what happens. DM me if you have ideas or just wanna talk, IG:mergana_forever. I will post updates on there about the book as well if you want me to. See ya soon :)


	6. Chapter 4: Morgause Knows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All is well until she knows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut and language warning

It was mid day of their journey and Merlin only had to knock out Morgana twice after they left her hovel yesterday. Gwen was happily humming her favorite song and making sure Morgana was comfortable when she was awake, which was only for a couple hours at a time just for security purposes, as Morgause (Merlin knew for a fact) could sense Morgana’s every whereabouts. Morgause uses the same magic Nimueh used to see Camelot, he’d seen her use a crystal ball of sorts to look and see what was happening in Camelot.

Eventually nightfall had fallen upon the group and so they stopped to make camp. Merlin wasn’t planning on waking Morgana, but decided that she needed to eat as she looked like she had lost weight, dramatically. So with Gwen’s permission, Merlin woke up the princess. “What did you do to me?” was her first choice of words then said, “Why am I still alive?”. Merlin, shocked by the second sentence, just looked at her with pure rage in his eyes. Gwen, noticing the rage, told him to go collect firewood so that she and Morgana could talk. Once he was gone, Gwen opened up.

“Morgana, we came and healed your self-inflicted wounds. Merlin is mad at you because of what you tried to do. We all love you Morgana, I just need to understand why you wanted to kill yourself?”  
Morgana, still drowsy and tired answered slowly, “Because I hate myself. I can never forget what I’ve done, granted Morgause did most of it. She left me alone in this tower and tortured me until I could no longer feel anything other than anger and sadness. I know for a fact, Arthur will never forgive me or forget what I’ve done, so therefore it would be easier if I died. NO ONE LOVES ME ANYMORE GWEN. NO ONE WILL OR CAN FORGIVE ME IF I CAN’T EVEN FORGIVE MYSELF!” Morgana, after finally breathing normally again and crying, Gwen decided to hug her and whisper in her former mistress’ ear “I will always love you and I forgive you.”

Merlin secretly heard of this. He knew he shouldn’t have eavesdropped, but this was Morgana they were talking about. A woman he loved and cared about for as long as he could remember. When he wasn’t busy running around after Arthur or doing chores for Gaius, he’d spend the day with her and play pranks on Uther or Arthur. And although she was practically way too drunk to even stand on her own half the time, they had fun together, just the two of them. It was like no one could tear them apart. He stepped over by Morgana and placed the few sticks he had collected in the fire and started making their dinner.

He decided to make Morgana’s favorite meal which was really simple as it was just a sandwich and soup. But no matter how hard they tried she kept saying she wasn’t hungry or she was tired. “Morgana, stop lying. I know you're hungry as you’ve lost weight dramatically and your stomach is growling. So, please just eat half of my sandwich.” Merlin held out his half and she took it. She took several tiny bites then proceeded to walk to her sleeping bag. Merlin decided he would wake her in the morning and talk about everything, without Gwen being there.

Later that night he awoke to a strange noise. At first he thought it was a bandit trying to steal from them, but he soon realized (by looking around) it was just Morgana. He got up and followed her. He knew she wasn’t looking for trouble with Morgause so he didn’t understand why she was getting up and walking deeper into the woods. After about an hour and a half of walking she stopped and looked around to make sure she wasn’t followed or near the camp. Merlin saw her force herself to throw up. He finally put the puzzle together - she wasn’t eating and if she did, she’d throw it up later. He waited for her to clean herself then walked over and hugged her. They were both confused by this form of affection as she had not been hugged in a very long time and he had not been used to it after she had left.

“Merlin, you can stop hugging me now. I’m getting hot.” Merlin let her go but pulled her into another embrace as soon as she turned towards him. He didn’t know what he was doing until he felt his body do it first. He looked into her deep emerald green eyes and kissed her deep, blood red lips. Morgana, at first shocked, melted into his embrace and kissed him back with her arms wrapped around his neck. “Do you remember when we were almost caught doing this the first time?” She said while smiling. “Yes I do, princess. I believe it was right after one of your nightmares when you fell asleep in my lap, we were cuddling. You woke up and we talked then kissed. Suddenly you heard footsteps outside your door and hid me in your closet.” Everything he had said was true. Uther had walked in on her because he was told someone was with her and so the guards were ordered to search her chambers - to which she protested relentlessly.

Suddenly, they both heard a branch snap. Thinking it was Morgause coming to take Morgana, Merlin grabbed his sword. As soon as Merlin saw the red Camelot cape, he knew it was Arthur and went to him. “What are you doing here?” and to Morgana’s surprise, Arthur walked to her, unarmed, and hugged her saying, “I came to see my older sister.” Morgana, still not used to all the sudden affection, nor the feelings that are stirring inside her about Merlin, hugged her brother back. Arthur soon made his way to Gwen, seeing as he was interrupting a moment. It was also becoming dark soon so Merlin would have to knock Morgana out soon, which she was assuming would be soon.

“I know you’re going to be making me unconscious soon, so you might as well do it now.” She said in an almost giving up attitude. “I don’t want her to find us, Merlin. Promise me!” Merlin was in shock. She’s almost completely back without even getting to the lake yet. But, being pulled out of his thoughts, he decided to do something he never thought he’d ever be able to do.

* * *

{Morgana’s POV}  
We were in the woods having a moment until Arthur came. I don’t know why but he hugged me. After all I've done to try and kill him, he hugged me and called me his sister. Those were words I never expected him to utter. I was relieved when he finally left to go to Gwen, but then I was left alone with my feelings and him. God, why’d I have to love him so? I missed his lips and how loving he was to me when I had nightmares. He made sure Gwen was okay in her bed next to mine on those nights when the nightmares were bad.  
Being pulled out of my thoughts, I felt my weight shift and I was leaning against the tree with him holding my hands above my head. Next thing I knew we both were in a heated kiss, tongues fighting for dominance, which I won. He grabbed my thighs and lifted me up so I was using all my weight around him. I wrapped my legs around him and moved my hands through his messy black hair. He slowly started kissing my neck and finding my sweet spot, sucked on it and I let a moan out. I could tell he smiled and as soon as he heard me moan, moved his hands down under my tattered dress.

At first I was unsure but decided to not say anything as I felt his hand move under my undergarments while he was still kissing my neck. He moved us to where I was lying on my back with my hands still above my head and couldn’t move them as he was stronger than me. Letting me have my hands back for a few seconds he pulled me into a sitting position and started pulling off my dress. I was left just in my undergarments to which I say “This is unfair. I’m almost naked and you still have your clothes on including your shoes!” He starts laughing and tugs off his shirt and scarf and my jaw dropped. He had abs and muscles, working for Arthur really did do his body good. I didn’t remember him being this sculpted when we did this the first few times. He laughed when he saw my jaw drop and replied with “I’ve been doing a lot of work since you left, which is why I can easily pick you up and move you anywhere I please.” which automatically made me want him more and to see how easily he could move me.

Slowly he came back on top of me and started kissing me up and down with his hands moving the same on my thighs. I made my way to pull off his pants and he obliged and helped. He did the same to me with my panties. Soon we were covered by the darkness but we both had magic so we created dim lights so we could still see but not enough that we were going to be seen. He started teasing me by touching my inner thighs making me moan more and more because I needed him to stop playing and fuck me. “Merlin, stop playing. Either fuck me or stop.” He stopped for a second just to look at me. He stopped playing and hastily took off his boxers. He fist stuck two fingers in and pushed in and out until I was wet enough to take in his full size. He then started pumping in and out, slowly at first so I could adjust and find a rhythm. As soon as we found our rhythm again and him hearing my moaning, he started moving faster and deeper.

After we both hit our climax, he went back down to a slower pace so we could catch our breaths. He pulled out and laid beside me and covered me just enough that I wasn’t completely naked. We laid there for a while cuddling and enjoying each other’s company until the silence bothered me. “Why didn’t you knock me out yet? Why’d you do that?” While he was still kissing my forehead and rubbing my stomach, he responded with, “Because I didn’t know if I was ever going to see you again. And I have feelings for you that I know you feel as well, so don’t say you didn’t enjoy that. I also know that Morgause is coming, I sense her magic. I wanted you to feel something and loved before she tried to turn you against us again. She’s on her way, which is why I decided to leave you awake, you’d be an easy target if you were asleep. I love you Morgana and I’d do anything in my power to keep you here with me.” with those last words he got up and picked me up as well, helped me get dressed. As soon as we both were dressed, we made our way back to our friends smiling at each other. And then, it all went to darkness. The last thing I remember is Merlin screaming my name and trying to run towards me.


	7. Chapter 5: The truth hurts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Trigger warning: alcoholism, rape, torture)  
> sorry for the short chapter i've been really busy

Give her back Morgause! She’s done working for you, she’s going to end up killing herself because of you and you don’t seem to even care! SHE’S YOUR SISTER AND YOU DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT HER! 

Morgana was semi-conscious but not strong enough to wake up or move. She heard Merlin yelling but no Arthur or Gwen. Where are we? Why is Arthur or Gwen not here? Why is Merlin yelling? is all Morgana can think about before falling back into darkness. In her dream, she is surrounded by fire and screaming but no one is there to help her and she knew that this was her death. “Don’t ever say that I don’t love her. I watched over her since the day she was born. I looked after her when father died and mother drank all night. I watched in secret while Uther pried mother’s hands off of Morgana while Morgana screamed and kicked for our mother. I watched our mother die of alcoholism, while Uther dressed up his new prize with expensive dresses.” 

Morgana could hear everything as she was slowly waking up from whoever knocked her out, more than likely it was Morgause. She was starting to move when she felt something sharp on her back. “Don’t move. If you move we all die, including her.” It was Arthur’s voice. By her, Morgana assumed he’d meant Morgause. Why would she kill herself? Why was she so important to the other priestess? Sure Morgause knew Morgana was THE high priestess the prophecy talked about, but why was she so important? 

After not moving for what seemed like hours, she was suddenly propped up in a sitting position. “Hello sister. Long time no see.” Morgause gave a grin which told Morgana that she was not going to make it out alive. “I see that you’ve all convinced my spy to go to the lake? Well, you see, that’s where you all messed up. I noticed something was wrong when I couldn’t track her.” Merlin self-consciously smacked himself on the head. He thought he was protecting her when in reality, he put her into more danger.

Morgana tried to talk to Merlin telepathically. Something she had learned from Mordred when he’d stop by and spend time with her when she needed it. We need to get out of here NOW, Merlin. Merlin heard her and replied. But not only could Morgana hear it, so could Morgause. “Don’t try to escape. One of you two move,” she says pointing to Merlin and Morgana, “everyone here dies. Morgana, dear, I thought we had a deal. You help me, and you get the throne. Is that not what you want anymore?” Morgana pondered at this. Should she lie and try to gain Morgause’s trust or come back to her friends who are doing everything to help her? At this point, Morgana was done. She was done with everyone and everything that has happened to her since the day she’d met Morgause. Ever since that day, everything had gone wrong. Blood began to boil.

Morgause began getting impatient at her little sister. “Which one is it going to be Morgana?” Morgana began to physically shake and Merlin knew something was wrong. “Morgause, let me go to her please I beg you. I won’t try anything.” Morgause, becoming intrigued, allows this to happen. Merlin grabs Morgana and places her in his lap. She feels safe for now, but she knows, Morgause is here to end her life and now. “Morgause, please.” Morgana croaked out. “Let them go. This is between you and I. I no longer wish for the crown or throne. I want my friends back. I miss Arthur’s voice and annoying comebacks. I miss Gwen’s opinions. I miss Merlin’s touch. I do not EVER want to go back to what you did. You locked me in a tower and tortured me beyond repair. I miss my old self. I want my thoughts to be MINE! Do you know what happened last year?” Morgause shook her head no so Morgana continued with her past. “You left me alone for three years. For two of the three, I was taken forcefully. Sarrum lured me out by using Aithusa against me. He chained me to a wall at the bottom of a pit. He only let me out for food or if he needed something. His needs were different all the time. One day I was a maid and the next day I was an object to be passed around by men all day and all night.” Arthur, by now, had realized what she’d meant. She had been used. She had been raped multiple times and knew that she didn’t want anyone to know. “After I got away, I tried to kill myself, multiple times. You didn’t even notice that I was gone for those two years or that I tried to kill myself. I thought you would at least look for me. I WAS RAPED MORGAUSE! EVERY DAY FOR TWO YEARS AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING CARE.” 

Morgana, crying and losing her voice, covered her face into Merlin’s shoulders as he stroked her and tried to comfort her, to no appeal. Morgause, shocked to hear all this, said “I had other things I was doing. I was trying to find allies so we could take over Camelot. I did notice you’d disappeared but I thought you were with Mordred. If I had known what Sarrum had done, he would’ve been dead by now, just like Cenred.” While Morgause went on talking about something, Merlin whispered to Morgana. “We need to risk it and combine our magic together. I don’t care if Arthur sees and Gwen knows I have magic.” Morgana just nods in agreement and gives Merlin her hand. He siphons her magic, leaving her almost too drained to stay awake. He whispers a spell to her to memorize and leaves her by herself for a split second, but comes back. They held hands once more and chanted the spell which in turn, forced Morgause into the air and had hit a tree with such force, left her knocked out for a while. 

At first, Morgana had an impulse to run to her sister, but Merlin was stronger than her and held her back as he used another spell to let them all free from their restraints. “You have magic and never told me?” was all Arthur could muster up to say, even though he was angry at Merlin. “Well for one, if I had told you and Uther found out, I would no longer be your servant and your room would not look as good as it is. So, which one would you have chosen, Arthur?” Gwen and Morgana both laugh at Merlin’s wits while Arthur agrees with Merlin, he would have much rather had a clean room than a dead servant.


End file.
